Sunshine

And so it is with hope that I begin this.
It is with clarity, openness, and warmth.

To look back to see words written by myself less than a year ago.
Written from a darker place, where hope seemed unattainable.

To look back and see...

a new perspective now.

That darkness does not follow me.
It does not linger like it once does.

Today, I am basking in sunshine.

Heather

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I want you to know how unbelievablely and inconceivably precious and loved you are.
My best attempt at even explaining this feeling fails.
It's miraculous that you even exist.
At this point, it seems like you are distant and unreachable.

I have no idea how we will meet, but I do know this.
When we meet, it will be more than love at first sight.
It will be a heavenly sigh of contentment.
It will be remarkable.

Dear Baby, 

I pray that you grow safe, strong, and healthy.
I pray that when we meet, my tears of joy are met with a connection that is intangible.
I promise to deliver, to the best of my ability, a world of hope and beauty which you deserve.

Dear Baby, 

I have been growing impatient waiting for this day.
I have grown weary, worn down, emotional, and distressed.
Everybody says you will be worth the wait, agony, and patience.

I know this.

So baby...wherever you are...whenever you will be....a family is waiting to love you endlessly.


- Heather

It's hope.

It subtly flutters, unnoticed.
I feel it's presence buried deep
unreachable at times.
Necessary.
It remains a constant
though sometimes covered,
Steadfast.
Unreachable.

Barely showing, it bursts
rays of light, peace, warmth, yearning.
Melting and intertwining into
something unfathomable.

It's Hope.



- Heather

Regulate

It is with skewed optimism I write to you.
It is a delicate balance to portray happiness and sadness within the same exact moment.
It is a constant state of mind.

It will all be worth it in the end; agreed.
When is the end?

I am so unbelievably gracious and inpatient at the same time.


I am brave, I feel this.
I am persistent, I feel this.

I am also tired, and worried, and let down.

The sadness and happiness always correlate, just trying to regulate.


- Heather

Support

I am still continuously amazed at the out pouring of support.

It feels intimidating and liberating to be so honest about all of this. It's intimidating, because sharing your thoughts, feelings, struggles, and emotions is always is. It's liberating to feel in control of at least aspect of this process.

Most of the adoption process has made me feel completely and utterly powerless.
On days, I struggle with this concept.
I really want to be angry about the amount of work it takes to adopt.
I really want to be mad at the injustice we face.

However,
this is minimal compared to lives of others, and I 100% understand this. This roadblock to parenthood is still minor. 

Playing the waiting game.
 Heather

Humbled

I'm continuously humbled by the outpouring of love from everyone in our lives. People we barely know, close friends, co-workers, relatives, strangers.

It's an incredible feeling.
Incredible fails to describe it.

I am so humbled.
We are so blessed.

Thank you to everyone for your support; you are loved.

Heather

It Continues

Hopeless may be too severe
As would optimistic.

Devastation seems dramatic
So does Euphoria.

Once again, I feel caught in the inbetween.
Stuck.
waiting.
impatient.

I anticipated this feeling would happen even while in the adoption process; I did not imagine it being as intense as the infertility process.

It continues.
It remains.
It subtly steals joy from simple moments.

It endorses anxiety, nervousness, doubt.

Despite support, it seems a lifetime away...adoption.

Heather