Always Caught

Regardless of the outcome, I exist in the present.
The overwhelming present.

I'm trying to let it go, once again. To be at peace.
It's difficult to know that anything and everything you've ever wished for or wanted is in the hand of strangers.

Somedays I continue to get bogged down but the injustice of it all. 
The feeling that what I want does not matter, because I have no authority to decide.

Like infertility, 
adoption leaves you feeling completely out of control.
Little, minor details you can control, only satisfy your longing to do this in small amounts.

At times I get so incredibly frustrated.
I am so blessed, obviously,
but this huge part of my life consumes my every waking moment.

I know being a mother will be challenging.
I am not expecting it to be easy.
I know better than to think that I will be the worlds greatest mother.
I know my own capabilities; I know being perfect is a ridiculous standard.

I 
honestly
only 
want
the 
chance.


As I've said many times before...always caught in the in between.

Waiting.


Heather

Family Meeting.

It was incredibly difficult to sit in that room. I focused on inanimate objects like the floor, a spot on the door, the way the chair was moved. I smiled weakly when asked how I was. I felt so disconnected. Is this really happening? I was able to state my name clearly. I was able to concentrate enough to have courage to speak. Speak absolute truths and beauty about my life, my husband, my family.

Such raw honesty like this almost breaks you. It almost completely crushes your heart. I felt so heavy. I found it difficult to eat anything or drink. It felt like a constant slow panic attack for hours; relentless, unceasing, inconceivable. It was nauseating. My whole body shook in anxiety.

I often put my head in my hands unfocused. I held my heavy thoughts. I held my hopes, my dreams, my wants. I stared at the table before me.

When I did make eye contact, my eyes filled with passion, precision, confidence. They did not waiver. They did not dart uncontrollably from person to person. They were steady and controlled. My voice sounded calm and even.

I shared my deepest wants, secrets, and life with people I barely know. People whose sole purpose is to judge my character and my ability to be a parent. People who could determine my fate.

Once again, I have control over this situation. I cannot control whether or not I'm allowed to be a mother.

Somewhere
a small voice in my head attempts to calm me.

I hold it together despite falling apart.


Family meeting...


Heather

Imagine

A lot has been on my mind lately.
It feels like I am spinning.
It is constant and chaotic.

There's still a long road ahead of us,
whatever the situation.
The complications of adoption
has become completely overwhelming.

Struggling, fighting, wishing, wanting; exhausting.

My spirit considers joy.
It seeks it.
It craves it.

Instead, I gather an all too familiar restlessness that haunts me. A restlessness and anxiety that I have witnessed time and time and time again.

Imagine what it will be like
to put an end to this chapter.

- Heather

Not a day

Not
a 
Single
day
goes
by
where
I 
do 
not
think
about
the
beautiful
bliss
of
becoming
a 
mother. 

- Heather

sunshine part 2