Always Caught

Regardless of the outcome, I exist in the present.
The overwhelming present.

I'm trying to let it go, once again. To be at peace.
It's difficult to know that anything and everything you've ever wished for or wanted is in the hand of strangers.

Somedays I continue to get bogged down but the injustice of it all. 
The feeling that what I want does not matter, because I have no authority to decide.

Like infertility, 
adoption leaves you feeling completely out of control.
Little, minor details you can control, only satisfy your longing to do this in small amounts.

At times I get so incredibly frustrated.
I am so blessed, obviously,
but this huge part of my life consumes my every waking moment.

I know being a mother will be challenging.
I am not expecting it to be easy.
I know better than to think that I will be the worlds greatest mother.
I know my own capabilities; I know being perfect is a ridiculous standard.

I 
honestly
only 
want
the 
chance.


As I've said many times before...always caught in the in between.

Waiting.


Heather